


Not Quite Real

by esperink



Series: Nonbinary Jeremy (the Not Quite series) [6]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Anyway back to tagging, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Memories, Nightmares, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Jeremy Heere, Self-Doubt, Trans Michael is implied for like a sec, and most of my fics tbh, but google says nightmares wake you up but bad dreams don't, but know that Michael will always be trans in my heart, enbyphobia, it's not really that much of a nightmare though?, the squip's a lil bitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 05:58:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14278371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esperink/pseuds/esperink
Summary: In which Jeremy has a nightmare.





	Not Quite Real

**Author's Note:**

> The next fic (after this) should be the end of the Not Quite series! Worry not, I'll probably end up writing more of Nonbinary Jeremy, just this series in particular is over. After the next fic.

It started with memories, at first.

First, memories of Jeremy coming to terms with himself. He hardly ever said the term he’d found for himself out loud. When he did, it was usually before going to bed, or when he was hiding in the restrooms at school.

He didn’t really have a reason to hide in the restrooms anymore, (he was part of the populars, now) but sometimes he felt he needed to. He could get overwhelmed sometimes.

 ** _Pathetic_** , the Squip would call him.

And Jeremy wanted to say something, anything.

Realistically, he probably didn’t need to say anything. He kept his pronouns, so why bother rocking the boat? But sometimes hearing the word ‘boy’ or ‘boyfriend’ or ‘son’ or ‘mister’ got to him.

He wanted to say something.

 ** _Do not say anything, Jeremy_** , the Squip had told him. **_Do you actually think they’ll care or accept it?_** **_Something as unusual as this?_**

Jeremy remembered flinching at the Squip’s words.

**_Do you really think Christine would want anything other than a man?_ **

And Jeremy would take a shaky breath, shaking his head.

**_Keep it to yourself._ **

And then, the location morphed from the cafeteria they were having the conversation in into the school halls. There were people surrounding him. This was not familiar. He didn’t remember this. But it seemed very real.

Everybody was staring at him with disgust. First, it was Jake, then Chloe, then Jenna, then Rich, then Brooke, then Christine, and finally, Michael.

And he could never recall these looks from Christine or Michael before.

He covered his ears as the group surrounding him started closing in on him, calling him names, telling him he was a liar, that no, you can’t be neither of the two binary genders, that he was being ridiculous –

He thought Michael of all people would understand.

Jeremy didn’t understand – he’d been trying to be more open. He’d told the others what he was. He told them about the pronouns. He’d even been open with the label and pronouns he used with his dad. Why – why was everyone doing this?

Jeremy sat up with a gasp, struggling to breathe.

They searched for their phone, tears still spilling from their eyes. They had to call Michael, they had to talk to him, they had to make sure –

**_Do you really think he’d care?_ **

_No._

No no no.

Jeremy’s fingers finally grasped their cell phone and they held onto it tightly.

**_Michael only puts up with your identity issues because he has to. He pities you. It’s hardly logical he truly believes you._ **

Jeremy was still shaking as they unlocked their phone and started scrolling through their contacts, pausing on Christine’s. Maybe…?

**_Even Christine thinks you are ridiculous, and that is truly saying something, looking back at her behavior._ **

But Christine was the one to give them the green and white bracelet for the rare days…

They grabbed the bracelet from their bedside table and held onto it for comfort, scrolling past Christine’s contact and soon landing on Michael’s.

**_It’s late. Do you really think he’d want to be bothered with something as trivial as this?_ **

Jeremy hesitated, thumb over the green call button. They looked at the time for the first time since they’d awoken. 3:02 AM.

It was the Squip’s smug voice that got them to make the call.

One ring. Two. Three rings.

Michael answered with, “I mean, I know I stay up pretty late but aren’t you usually asleep by now?”

Jeremy gave a shaky laugh.

Michael immediately noticed. “You okay, buddy?”

“Two things,” Jeremy said, whispering for no reason in particular. “One. The Squip. It’s back.”

They heard Michael swear and dig around in his room for, they assumed, Mountain Dew Red. “Keep your window unlocked. I’ll see you in ten?”

“Yeah,” Jeremy agreed, already deciding to not tell their best friend about the nightmare.

They both hung up, and Jeremy waited, pointedly trying to ignore the Squip’s taunts.

Jeremy tightened their bracelet around their wrist, momentarily cutting off circulation. It stung, but it was a distraction of some sort, at least.

**_I’m inside your brain, Jeremy. You can’t avoid me for long._ **

“You’ll be gone again soon,” Jeremy said quietly, unlocking their window for Michael.

**_Unless I take control again._ **

Jeremy froze, before remembering that the Mountain Dew Red had, for the most part, disabled the majority of the Squip’s features.

**_Unfortunately, you are correct, at least about one thing. It’s too bad you couldn’t be correct in your identity._ **

Jeremy curled into themselves, quietly listening to the Squip’s remarks and insults as they tried to stop from tearing up again. They didn’t even notice Michael had arrived, until they felt a hand on their shoulder which made them jump.

“Hey,” Michael said softly, looking concerned. He gently placed a bottle of Mountain Dew Red in Jeremy’s hand.

Jeremy started to open the bottle, then stopped, fiddling with the cap. “You don’t – you don’t hate me or anything, do you?” they asked.

“What?” Michael looked bewildered. “No. why would I hate you?”

“My issues could be too… complicated? Annoying? Weird?”

Michael placed his hands on their shoulders. “It’s only an issue if you make it into one. And I don’t see it as one.”

Jeremy hesitated again.

“Is the Squip giving you shit? If it was a person I’d beat it up for you.”

Jeremy cracked a small smile. “That’s – part of it…” They looked away as Michael waited for more.

**_It’s nothing._ **

“It’s nothing.” Jeremy found themselves repeating the Squip’s words.

**_You’re just having a bad night._ **

“I’m just having a bad night.”

Michel gave them a serious look. “I’ll believe you after you drink the Red.”

Jeremy uncapped the soda bottle and took a long drink. A headache hit them like a freight train, but they didn’t scream or pass out like they had at the play.

Michael steadied them and waited, rubbing soothing circles into their back.

After what felt like hours but was only two minutes, Jeremy took a deep breath, the pain fading. The Squip’s voice was gone again and they sighed in relief.

“Now, tell me what’s actually bothering you,” Michael said.

“I just… had a bad dream, I guess?” Jeremy said slowly. “You all hated me…”

Michael hummed. “Why?”

Jeremy gestured to their bracelet. “I’m kind of a freak, aren’t I? Everything about me…”

“Hey.” Michael held their face in his hands. It wasn’t a usual gesture, but Jeremy found themselves relaxing. They met Michael’s eyes. “Everything about you is just wonderful.”

Jeremy remembered they had told Michael the stuff the Squip would often have them repeat. How everything about them was just terrible, and similar things.

“Everything about me is just…” They hesitated and looked away from Michael for a moment, before meeting his eyes once again. Michael was waiting patiently, looking almost hopeful, even. “Wonderful.”

Michael leaned over and hugged them. “Do you want me to stay?” Jeremy nodded into Michael’s shoulder. “Okay.” Michael let go. “Scooch.”

Jeremy moved a little, so Michael was able to lay down next to them. Jeremy refrained for a moment, but then buried their face into Michael’s shoulder. “Thanks,” they murmured.

“Anytime, my friend.”

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me on tumblr: esperinkdraws


End file.
